Following this set of rules (modified from a list compiled by Nish and cited in
Bloomquist, 1981) will guarantee that you do not receive strong letters of
recommendation from your adviser and teachers. Do not allow the sarcastic tone of these
rules to interfere with your understanding of their basic message: You cannot expect your
teachers and adviser to write you good letters of recommendation if you do not treat them
with courtesy and respect.
• Treat your teachers and classes as though you are barely able to tolerate them.
An attitude of superior aloofness will show everyone how important you are and how lucky
they are to exist at the same time and on the same planet as you.
• Be consistently late to class and other appointments. This will show your
teachers how much busier you are than they are.
• Be very casual about class attendance. When you see your teacher after you have
missed his class, ask "Did you say anything important in class today?" Act as if
he is responsible to give you a full recital of the information you missed.
• Never ask questions or contribute to class, even when urged to by your teachers.
It's far safer to be silent than to risk being considered a teacher's pet.
• Complain when teachers provide extra learning opportunities. They don't really
want you to learn more, they just want to make college miserable for you.
• Do not read assignments before class. You can waste a lot of class time by
asking questions about things that are explained in the textbook. Assume a look of pained
confusion whenever the teacher refers to a point made in the text.
• Always ask teachers for references when you are given a library assignment. It
is especially important that this be done before you look for the references yourself, or
you will be putting yourself in the dangerous position of having to learn to use the
library.
• Always try to be an exception to the rule. Avoid taking tests with the rest of
the class. Assume that teachers will give you make-up tests or accept late papers,
regardless of your reasons for missing the original tests or deadlines.
• Disagree with teachers in a haughty and condescending manner. This will show
your fellow students that you are actually smarter than your teachers.
• Call assignments you do not understand "boring, irrelevant, or busy
work." This is a great way to insult your teachers and will also allow you to judge
academic material before you comprehend it.
• Be a classroom lawyer. Always try to get what you want by twisting rules to your
own advantage. "You never told us we had to capitalize the first words of the
sentences in our papers!" "You said that we could miss a test if we had an
emergency. Don't you think the death of my gerbil was an emergency?"
• Never do any more than is minimally required in a class. Only geeks and
brown-nosers do more than they absolutely have to in order to pass a course.
• Never help to plan or participate in departmental or campus activities. Make it
very clear that, for you, college consists of simply accumulating enough credit hours to
graduate as quickly as possible with the minimum effort.
• Avoid using a teacher's office hours or making appointments. Show up when he is
frantically finishing a lecture and explain that you must see him immediately.
• Wait until the last minute to pre-register or don't pre-register at all. Always
expect your adviser to be available at your convenience and complain when the classes you
want to take are closed. Try to find your adviser in his office during lunch or when you
know he is in class; then tell the Dean or Registrar that you have been unable to
pre-register because you have been looking for your adviser for three weeks and he is
never in his office. When you meet with your adviser, be sure you have no idea of what
classes you need or want to take. Put a pained expression on your face whenever he
suggests a class that will help you overcome one of your academic weaknesses (e.g., math,
writing, or speech).